Sharing about my Grief Journey

I decided to start a blog sharing my journal entries that I did in relational to a devotional titled "Grieving the loss of a loved one" by Kathe Wunnenberg which I found helpful for me.As many people know on the 30th of October 2000 my baby son William died during labour and I also nearly died and was very sick. I was 9 months pregnant at the time. Nothing could have prepared me for the pain that I have gone through since his death.

There have been so many tears, there has been screaming and then there has finally been remembering him with a smile. I think of William everyday and I miss him everyday.I thought that by sharing my journal entries it might be able to help others going through the loss of a child or help someone who is trying to support someone going through the loss of a child.

Entries are very honest and some very raw. I wrote most of them in the first year after losing William but have written some in later years as well.As I have learned you just don't get over the loss of a child, it is something that you go through but the grief journey carries on throughout your life.

Journey through the fog to reality

This is a journal entry from May 2001:

I felt shock and denial when they said "I'm sorry your baby is dead". But that was nearly 7 months ago now. Sometimes it seems like yesterday, sometimes it seems long ago. I still go through denial, not denial of what has happened but denial of my feelings and dates I have to face.

Like Mothers Day which is this Sunday and I guess I gave tried to pretend it is ages away and not want to face it.But it is only 3 days away and I don't know how I will go. Will I handle it? Will I be ok? Will I have the strength to go to church? I don't know?

( I did end up getting through the day and I did go to church and I probably shouldn't have as I just bawled my eyes out and felt so terrible but thankfully I had a friend supporting me. Mothers Day was such a horrible day for me until I had my second son Jack, it was like a stabbing in my heart.)

Out of the Gray Zone

Journal Entry written May 2001:

Unfortuntely I have a problem with denial a lot. I am constanly denying my feelings when others ask how I am. People think that I am strong and that I am coping, well a lot of it is just fake and a front.

I worry about making others feel uncomfortable or depressed. There are so many reminders everyday of my life that my son is dead. I don't think I'll ever forget even though it seems others already have.

Grief Mirage

I am glad that I talked to Amanda today about William dying and about what happened to me, because I really need to talk about it all. I was in denial for months but now I am finally opening up.

It is hard going but I know I will get through this and cope better because I am talking about it all. Because I am facing the hurt and not denying my feelings anymore.

Sailing to the Iceberg of Denial

I remember the first few months after William died. I felt I was coping well and everyone kept saying how strong I was and how well I was coping.But when the reality set in I realised I wasn't coping well at all and that Williams death has affected me heaps more then I thought it would.

I believe that I was in denial or that God was sheltering me from the blow for a while or maybe it just took a few months for the shock to wear off and the reality to come to the surface.

Truth of Denial?

Written in 2001:

Sometimes when I hold my cousin's baby Rachel, I wish that she was mine and sometimes I imagine that she is mine. I love looking after her but I hate having to give her back as it makes me so sad.

So many people I know seem to be getting pregnant at the moment. I thought I was pregnant last week and I was really disappointed that I wasn't. Then one of my friends told me she was pregnant today and I felt really jealous because I wished it was me.

I never realised how much I wanted to be a mum until I had William, so now I really want more children.I know now isn't the right time to have another baby physically or emotionally and having another baby will not replace William or make everything better.I just really want to have more babies.

Journey to the Volcano of Anger

Written in 2001:

I still get angry a lot. I feel like I am a bubbling volcano everyday. Some days I erupt and other days I just bubble.

I hate that I get angry over little things and stupid things.My anger scares me!

My 1st Mothers Day..

Today was my first Mothers Day ( 13-05-01). I was ok for most of the day as I was busy.But at church tonight as I tried to sing the worship songs I burst out crying and heaps of hurt came to the surface.

Mothers Day is just another reminder that William is dead and that even though I am his mother, I can't mother him. That hurts so much.

William would have been 7 months old...

On Wednesday William would have been 7 months old. I felt anger and envy over other mothers at the childcare centre I am working at , that they don't work and yet put there babies in childcare every day. Don't they get how precious their babies are? Don't they want to spend as much time as they can being with them and loving them?

I found myself asking the why's and saying it isn't fair! I also found that I got angry at Craig all the time for nothing. I hate that I take it all out on him.

Hidden Longings

2001:

Today's devotional hit home to me today. I just talked to my pastor about all of the anger I feel and the sadness and longing.This devotional really spoke to me. I really need to tell God about how I am feeling all the time and especially when I am feeling this way and going through the different stages of grief.

I'm so angry and disapointed. I so much wanted William to be alive. I hate that he is dead and that I know God could have intervened and saved Williams life but He didn't.

Jetty of Calm

2001:

This is so true. I do feel like grief is like the ocean. Some days I'm calm and coping fine and then other days I'm depressed, falling apart. Other days I'm so angry, I feel an intense scary rage inside of me.

Some days I love being around babies and need to be around them. Other days seeing babies feels like somebody is physically stabbing me in the heart.Grief is so unpredictable and scary.

There are so many sides to it and so many emotions and stages to go through.Sometimes you have to keep going over the same stage again and again, so you can deal with it properly.I feel depressed and I am asking why again at the moment. Am I angry at God?

Wandering through the wilderness of "Why"

2001:

I thought I was over the "why" part of my grief but for some reason I'm going through it all again.Why did William die, when there are so many others that have abortions or treat their kids like crap, or put them in childcare all day everyday when they don't work outside the home?

Why didn't God intervene when I know He could have? How could this be part of His plan? What possible purpose could there be? What answer would I ever be satisfied with?When will my grief end? When will I stop asking Why?

The Mystery of Death's Timing

I will always wonder why God allows babies to die when they haven't even lived outside the womb? What possible purpose is there?How could their purpose be fulfilled before they lived outside the womb?

What was Williams purpose? What is mine?I know that so many of my questions will not get answered on this earth but I still need to ask them.How could I love someone so much that I never knew alive outside of my stomach? I truly love William so much!

Stranded on "If Only" Island

When everything first happened I had so many "If only's". For a long time they tortured me and sometimes they still do.

If only I had got a second opinion. If only I did even more exercise. If only I hadn't trusted the doctors and worried more! If only God would have intervened and stopped William from dying.

I am so sick of the "If Only's", I don't want them anymore!

Why not Me?

This devotional really struck a cord in me. Before now I hadn't thought to ask "Why not me?" I guess because that is a hard question to ask yourself really.

I don't want to think that I deserve this or that their could be any reason acceptable to my heart that my son died.I know God has the answers and that His ways are not my ways.I don't believe I will ever understand, ever!

From Tragedy to Triumph

When all of this happened to me, I knew there had to be a purpose and a reason. I knew God would bring good out of all this bad.I know I will be able to help and support others who have had babies die and relate to them and understand feelings they have.

Losing William has helped me support a friend of mine who suffered a miscarriage before I lost William, it helped me be a better friend to her.I have also found out so many other people I know who have had babies die as well.

This tragedy has helped me to appreciate life, my loved ones and God heaps more.I know when I have more kids I will treasure them so much and they will know all about William.God has bought good out of my tragedy but it is still really hard to get through, but with God I know I will get through all of this.

Journey to the Marketplace of Bargaining

I know that a lot of the time I say I would give anything to have William alive, maybe secretly hoping that God will make William alive in exchange for me giving up something.

Deep down I know it doesn't work that way but sometimes I wish it would. I miss William so much and I love him so much. I can't help but feel I would give up anything to have him back.There are only two things I wouldn't give up Craig and God*. Anything else I feel I would just to have my little boy with me now.

* This of course was written before I had Jack.

Bad Day

I'm feeling very distressed today and only God knows the reasons why. I have a heavy heart and I am sad.

I pray God will forgive me. Thats all I have to say for now.